Masking problem

It's either hard for me to come to terms with this fact or I might just be wrong, but I've developed a very specific persona that I mask as whenever I go out. I've always been under the impression that my masking isn't particularly intensive and that it reflects who I am to a tee, because up until at most a year ago this was true. Though, now that I've been developing my recreational social skills very actively and consciously I feel like my masking 'persona' has superseded myself. This is somewhat intentional: my goal, ever since I started actively developing these social skills, was becoming a highly sociable and likeable fuckboy. It's a little embarrassing to admit I guess, that embarrassment is actually the crux of my problem, but as you can tell: being that kind of person doesn't come naturally to me.

I've actually always been a very sociable person, but I'm still autistic. I've never had any problems making friends either because no one has ever slighted me for committing social faux pas OR because I never noticed I was being punished for behaving weirdly. I'm sure there were plenty of people who were unwilling to engage with me because I was a weird asocial freak, but those were not the people I was open to socializing with in the first place. My social and platonic conquests have almost always succeeded. What I'm trying to say is: I might've lacked neurotypical social skills but this has never impeded my ability to make friends, socialize, earn respect etc.

The previous has always been a very authentic display, but my masking persona is not. I can be a really fun guy, people like me and I like that. I like that people are attracted to me and that I can do stuff without being embarrassed and talk to people without being scared of rejection, but it's very foreign to me and I always feel really weird whenever I go back home. I always feel kind of disgusted with myself for putting myself out there even though I'm successful and even though I've enjoyed myself. I don't do things I regret -- I think I just have some very complex feeling about expressing my sexuality. I'm very aware of being in my body whenever I go out. I'm not as in my head as I am when I'm alone or when I'm with friends. It makes me feel uncomfortably aware of my being a human. I feel very human and normal and neurotypical whenever I go out and that's precisely what makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not saying that I act against my own best interest. All I'm really doing is letting go of my inhibitions and anxiety's. I'm more prone to talking to people, I can dance without caring, I have the courage to flirt with people etc. etc. I still infodump and get overly excited whenever I talk about mobile phones and websites, I'm still incredibly blunt, I still ask clarifying questions and I definitely don't look people in the eye. So it's the fact that I'm succesful in my social ventures at all that makes me uncomfortable. I just feel like I shouldn't be doing this I guess.

At some point I'll get over it. Most of this stems from the fact that this is new to me, I'll have to get used to it or maybe I'll find a balance between personae, but right now I feel deeply uncomfortable with being a sociable human being.

7 juni 2026