On looksmaxxing, beauty, autism and being a chud

Honestly, I shouldn't have put being a chud in the title. Being a chud doesn't really have much to do with this, cause the thing I'm talking about only concerns me currently, way after I stopped being a chud. It 'sounds good though'. I thought writing something really contemporary would be funny, not in the l'ironic way but moreso 'cause this post concerns a very contemporary cultural phenomenon and what will problably be a very temporary problem for me. At least I hope so.

On looksmaxxing
All of this, title included (maybe that's why I wrote "being a chud") concerns clavicular. The thought didn't start with him, but at some point I did find myself comparing myself to him and I feel like he pretty accurately describes the predicament I'm currently in. I've found myself obsessed (hyperbole) with a needless persuit of beauty for the sake of, among other things, social leverage and all because I'm autistic. Much like Clavicular. This is not an original take -- It's been said by many autistic women -- but I think that only solidifies it as truth. His autistic hyperfixation on beauty is obviously motivated by a need to be percieved as beautiful and being able to reap the benifits of the 'halo effect'. I used the word hyperfixation because Clavicular isn't necessarily interested in the concept of beauty, the beauty industry or the socioligy of beauty, but rather he's (hyper)fixated on 'being beautiful' or making himself beautiful. Which is wicked gay LOL jesus christ, but I do definitely understand it. I'll explain that later though.

On beauty
I think there are two main differences between how both of us act on this desire or insecurity or whatever it is.
1) I don't actively invest in my own appearance. I like dressing up nice, but that's because I love fashion and not because I want to be percieved a certain way. I'm fairly certain of this because whenever I'm insecure about looking too flashy I'll think something like: well I like dressing this way so it doesn't matter to me how other people percieve me. And then I'll be fine again. Also, and I think this is a big part of it, I'm not insecure about my appearance. In fact, I do consider myself fairly attractive. I will bring this up later. 2) I think clavicular is both fixated on being percieved as beautiful as well as being beautiful, but only within the context of being percieved as such. I don't care about being beautiful necessarily, I only want to be percieved as such because it gives me the confidence to interact with people. I haven't consciously percieved my body for about half of my life, so my factual appearance doesn't matter to me. I just want to be someone other people find attractive, because it's easy. I will also get back to this.

On autism Another reason why I want to be percieved as attractive is, once again, because I do consider myself to be fairly attractive. I always want to know how I'm being percieved because I like gathering information about myself. I love looking up my statistics for example and I used to have a habit of surveying people about myself + I've always been obsessed with introspection. I know myself extremely well and this has caused me many problems, but part of knowing about myself is knowing what other people think about me and part of that is knowing wether or not people think I'm hot. Though more than that: I don't want to be wrong about thinking I'm hot, because that would mean I'm wrong about myself which would be humiliating to me.

Tangent about socializing
I honestly think part of why I started being more sociable is to see just how far my current stats get me. I talk to people just to see if they want to talk to me and way more often than not they do. This in turn has made me a very socially skilled person to the point I sometimes wonder if I'm even autistic at all. But then I remember that half of what I'm doing while interacting with people is analyse them so that I can predict all their next moves and craft the perfect social interaction. Because of this I sometimes predict what people might say or do next or I'll kind of influence the conversation to go a certain way, but never to the detriment of others. Or at least, I assume so. I'll never want to bother people because when people are bothered they're less likely to interact with you. Besides, I don't like it when people are upset or angry (with me) for what I consider to be trivial reasons, because it's annoying to me and I will argue about it. So I try to avoid conflict as much as possible, but never to my own detriment, because I'm not a gay pussy.

I wonder if this makes me a manipulative person. I know it does, I know that these things are objectively manipulative, but I dont want to say that I'm manipulating people. You wan't to know why? Because it would be incredibly embarrassing to think you're manipulating people when you're not, because it's a skill and it's a power you have over people. This is also just really embarrassing to admit; it makes me sound like I want to be manipulative, like I'm some faggot self proclaimed psychopath who thinks he knows dark manipulation tactics. Though I don't want to deny it either, because people don't like being manipulated, it can be harmful and I don't want to deny potentially harming people -- though I highly doubt I do. So I'll admit to being a manipulative person, but not to actively manipulating people unless stated otherwise. I don't want to take any hypothetical agency away from anyone. I don't want to view them as dumb enough to be manipulated by me, because I don't want to think of myself as better than anyone.

This applies to more than just being manipulative though. I never really assume I have any effect on anyone at all unless stated otherwise or unless I can percieve the effect I have on other people. Hence why I always assume everyone knows as much as I do, that everyone understands what I mean, that everyone can achieve the same things I do, that everyone knows when I'm joking etc etc. I view myself as fundamentally equal in every single way to every single person on earth even though I am not. I'm actually very different from a lot of people, which is really cool, but that also means that in some regards some people might be 'worse' at something than me. The idea of that makes me very uncomfortable, but I do have to remember that being worse at something than someone is now a bad thing.

I think this whole tangent pretty accurately describes my stance of beauty. If it doesn't, please let me know on my wall :D. I will elaborate.

14 april 2026